as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.