He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out

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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?


I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.


Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive


My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever


[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”


ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me


“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan


Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute


Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.