He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Autocorrect completely socks
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!