Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.