Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”