“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code