“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off