“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.