Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

i’m so sick of this guy

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

no way 😭

more water

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

They’re stuck in your pants?

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.