He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
doing your own taxes
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…