He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.