Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Never forget.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move