He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.