He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The dark side of Canada
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”