He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
War & Peace
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.