He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.