He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.