He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.