he chose this
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Order here:
More here:
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’