He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.