Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8