Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

These are my roll models.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”