Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

The 6 types of sex

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.