Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

Sometimes? I’m slipping

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem