Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

😅😅😅

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.