He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
*exercises sarcastically*
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Camel dough
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
no way 😭
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?