He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I’d use my best pan on you.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.