He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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Where is your GOD now????
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”