He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.