Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

sistine chapel

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

This kid is a star!

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense