He died doing what he loved: being alive
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back