He died doing what he loved: being alive
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Something Saturday.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.