He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.