He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Storm Tropical Storm
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Important reminders
