He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking