He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”