He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Another day, another…goddammit
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Showerkraut
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”