He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?