He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Incredible customer service.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*