NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.