Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle