He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
You Might Also Like
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
2022 be like
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.