Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.