Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Netflix and you sit over there.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

A comic by Dan Piraro

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep