Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Not messing around

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

[the middle of showering] I need a break

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.