He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Risking my life for fun.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
