He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Only you can prevent podcasts
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death