He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️