He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.