He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
couldn’t resist
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No