He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Oh my god
