This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.