@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

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@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@johnbiehl

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@kevinseccia

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

@SirEviscerate

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

@kellysdf

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”