@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@SamNonTheWiser

I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@markydoodoo

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

@seancehat

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

@TheCattyLady

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.