He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care