Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

SCARY COSTUME

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos