Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

another case of gang violins

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

What personal space?

My dog

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing