He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Y’all ready for this
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.