Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now