He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I have two kinds of followers
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Frog purse.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.