@bingowings14

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

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@Brianhopecomedy

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@AntF3ltz

When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@realHamOnWry

I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you wonโ€™t know until 2018.

@difficultpatty

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

@Iwriteforcats

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.