He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

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“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old


Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.


Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.


Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.


The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.


When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.


7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*


Me: Right. Of course.


I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you wonโ€™t know until 2018.


I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.


Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.