Oh hi lol
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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
life finds a way
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”