He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits


The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.


*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”


A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.


I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what’s important. #Cake.


All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.


Single guy
“I can’t do anything right.”

Married guy
“I can’t do anything, right?”


Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.