He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.