Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards