He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.