He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
So that’s what we looked like?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Always.
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.