he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class