he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?