he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read