he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?