he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Noted.
☠️
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.