Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My armpits smell like garlic bread.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.