he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
🤣🤣🤣
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Breaking news:
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I can fix him.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.