@DanKCharnley

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

@UnrealRogue

[Exchanging gifts at family’s house]

*family opens up my gifts
-uh, a history book?

Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You c**ts.

@hurlarious

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@mattZillaaaa

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…