waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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[Exchanging gifts at family’s house]
*family opens up my gifts
-uh, a history book?
Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You c**ts.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…